A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
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Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Pot warmers of the day.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
men, we mow at sunrise.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom