Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
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Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
From Facebook just now…
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
Fluff me with a fork baby
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no