IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
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Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
A Quiet Place but it’s just me trying to open a piece of cheese without my dog hearing
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day