A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
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There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
friend: hey man don’t drink too much you know how you get
me: what do you mean
[2 hard lemonades later]
me: we should drive to my boss’ house and steal all his grass. all of it
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!