Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
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Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
A roof is a house hat.
Did you know you can gain 20 pounds in 2 months, but it takes 3257 days to lose 5 pounds?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*