Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
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How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
We don’t thank them enough for it, but it was really cool that the Black Eyed Peas realized what they were doing was wrong and stopped.
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Did I do this right
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.