Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
You Might Also Like
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it
-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.