*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
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Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there