My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
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Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
I’m really shy in RL.
But on here, I can wildly yell “I hate corn!” without thinking twice.
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.