My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
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Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
All. The. Damn. Time.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.