Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
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A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
This headline is a thing of beauty
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I’m going to adopt a tapeworm. Perfect pet, cheap to feed, doesn’t pee, bark, chew stuff or sit on your head. Best bit, it makes you skinny.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.