me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
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If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree