wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
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HERE’S MARKY
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Y’all know who you are.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.