My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
You Might Also Like
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
How can you tell when a duck is a witch?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]