When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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Research suggests that when someone disagrees with you, you should speak faster so they have less time to process what you’re saying.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
911: What’s your emergency?
I’m being held hostage by the Swedish mafia!
911: Are you being tortured?
They’re making me put together an IKEA Poäng chair
911: Just asking for a friend, but what color?
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
The three genders.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Growing up was a huge mistake
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”