if my sleeping schedule was a person
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One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
be the person your targeted ads think you should be