one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
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[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My kid’s favorite thing to dip in ketchup is her sleeve.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?