Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
You Might Also Like
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”