Xylophonist Shredding It
You Might Also Like
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
CW: You’re not wearing a costume.
M: Yes I am.
CW: You’re dressed as yourself?
M: No. I’m a serial killer. We look just like everyone else.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.