[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
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If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Pringle’s: Once you pop, the fun don’t stop!
Me: *covered in Pringle’s shards and grease, surrounded by empty tubes* It’s true I’m having the time of my life
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Breaking news:
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Meat Cute
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’m not proud