6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
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*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
Me: why do bad things happen to good people?
God: *reveals image of me jerking off to April from Ninja Turtles*
Me: oh
God: *nods solemnly*
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
I feel attacked.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.