Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
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Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Him: You’re a DJ? I’m not one for dancing. I’ve got this leg, you see? I’ve had it since the war.
Me: How long have you had the other one?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Sticker placement is key.
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
finally
Hamburger Hinderer.
My 6yo told my husband he was “grounded for eternity,” but my 4yo pointed out that “you have to let him out when he dies so he can go to a cemetery.”
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route