mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
You Might Also Like
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
Donald Duck is far too angry for somebody who never has to suffer pants.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
I really had high hopes for this year though
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.