Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
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I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
A guy offered to take me anywhere I wanted to go on a first date and had the audacity to ghost me after I replied, “An axe throwing range?”
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.