Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
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Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Thoughts
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO