I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
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“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
My 4-year-old, while sharing a space with other people, has been exclaiming with a sigh that he’s ALL ALONE, and I keep thinking, “Damn, kids these days are getting to work early on their existential crises.”
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
Boss: Why do you need to leave work early?
Me: Bro, I’m straight up not having a good time.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole