Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
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[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
“I’ll go when the cat gets up”
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?