There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
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[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.