Breaking News: Man shaped like a garbage bag full of potato salad upset with outcome of sporting event.
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I am never leaving this website
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
Cop: step out of the car please
Me: I picked a good day to wear my tap dancin’ shoes
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
I’m stressed right now so I’m watching a show about the mafia to help me relax.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.