My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
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Made something I’m not proud of
I never had the birds and the bees talk growing up…I just had Chris Isaak’s Wicked Game music video with Helena Christensen and I was like yes please
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
Only Americans understand
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
My girlfriend & I went to a Halloween party dressed as corn and we didn’t know anyone so we couldn’t join conversations without giving off a very threatening corn energy so we stood in the corner just being corn, eating snacks, and watching people which was probably also alarming
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
I am laughing way too hard at this.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.