David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
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itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Ape together strong
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
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.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.