Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
You Might Also Like
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Some are mad Trump won.
Others are mad that the anti-Trumps are mad.
I’m mad that you open up a new bag of chips and it’s only 1/3 full.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle