Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
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When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?