Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
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my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
good let them take over I have had enough
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?