My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
You Might Also Like
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.