not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
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Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately
Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Losing your phone is the adult version of having your balloon fly away.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Me: if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine
7-11 Clerk: look man, we’re out of hotdogs, idk what to tell you
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition