[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
You Might Also Like
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
broke down and did it
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
that de-escalated quickly
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works