Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
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What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
you can tell it’s bedtime when the kids start blaming each other for it being bedtime, as if each brother magically and maliciously made time pass more quickly for the other
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not proud
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”