Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
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All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January