You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
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[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”
DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
no one ever comes back
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.