I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
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The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
How software testing works
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Venn
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.