For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
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Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
pelicons
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
[Christopher Columbus arriving in Hell]
Columbus: I’m the first person here! I discovered this!
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.