Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
You Might Also Like
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
I am crying
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad