(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
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When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Sci-fi is when Wonder Woman fights villains from outer space, fantasy is thinking Wonder Woman will go on a date with you.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
My daughters took turns tracing each other over and over with chalk.
Now it looks like 25 children were murdered in my driveway.
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.