In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
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Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
My nine year old stayed home with me today. The time is 11:30 am.
She has spoken more words today than I did in December.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
[pulled over]
Cop: Have you been drinking?
Me: No
Cop: *tosses me a sock* Stand on one foot and put this on
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I’m making a quinoa and kale-
Me: [already at McDonald’s]
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.