Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
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Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Support your local cemetery
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Staring at my Barbie Dream House and realizing there’s a lot of places for spiders to hide in there. As one does.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback