You can’t be the most good looking one at any wedding because you can’t compete with how great the food looks.
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*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory