I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
You Might Also Like
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
🤣could you imagine
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police