dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
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No. He’s not coming out to play
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
North and South
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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