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That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
SPLOOT
Days after my plane crashed, I find a phone. Thankfully, it has enough battery for me to go online & argue with strangers. I remain stranded
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Mistakes were made
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
This text is literally my relationship with my mother: